I am right here

There is a particular line in last week's episode of Glee that resonants in me. (I am using present tense because it still is while I write this post.) Kurt was by the hospital bed of his dad as he was waiting for his dad to wake up from coma. He was reminiscing and started crying when his dad moved a finger. He then held his dad's hand and said,

"I am right here, I am not going anywhere."

Fortunately, the same line applied to me in a totally different context and meaning. I just felt that those words are the most comforting words one can ever say. In this vast empty world as the lives of people just buzz by each other day by day, one can feel lonely at times. Facing the uncertainties of the future, responsibilities of the present and bearing the burdens of the past, one can easily feel overwhelmed.

However, one can find comfort and strength when one knows that he is not alone, that no matter what happens, he has friends and families who care. Because at the end of the day, that seems to be largely the only thing that matters. I have come to realise this. Therefore, no matter how daunting the future seems, I still find courage in moving on.

The purpose of this post is remind myself that I will do the same for the people around me. No matter what happens, I will be there. No matter what the future holds, you are not alone.

It is a pity that the person that uploaded the video to youtube disabled the embed option so I can't post it here. You can use the following link to view the video. (:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQPmJahDWl8

I am not going anywhere.

dreaming

-i'm dreaming.

since xinyue requested for the video. :D it's kind of like the remix of airplanes. this time with a heavier bass and more badass rapping with courtesy from EMINEM. hope a consecutive video of pretty much the same song wouldnt bore you guys off. if you guys aint such a fan it's okayyy.

this song has pretty much been my 'anthem' for these few days? this is song of my phone alarm. and i actually made an effort to play this song through my earphones before i step out of my house and walk to school.

i guess it's because i find meaning behind it's lyrics. serves a great reminder. reminds me of my purpose.

you know. as much as a chatterbox i am, there are certain things i still keep to myself. lets call this 'thing' a 'shadow'. and this shadow wants to take a loudhailer and shout it out loud. because it clashes with my personality. the shadow is dying for attention. it doesn't want to stay a secret and unknown. it wants to be revealed like the rest of my traits.

but this shadow is afraid of being judged. because it's not conventional. and ultimately human beings judge. that's why it is locked deep down behind bars.

zzz. i dont mean to make you curious. i can so imagine after i tell you guys about it. you all will go: 'ohhh... :/' yea. it's nothing biggy. and i really dislike a reaction of indifference. sometimes it's not that you are indifferent. it is just that you dont know what to say. dont know what to react. so it's okay. but the feeling at the receiving end still suckzxz.

it's just that the shadow is trying so hard to burst out, tweeny bits of it leaked out. (in the form of this blog post.)

zzz. forget about it.

P.S. and no. i am not gay. whoever thought of that go and eat shit. LOL.

-& i'm failing.

please shed me some light

i found out that for the new doctor of veterinary medicine program in melbourne. they will only be taking 120 students. 50 local students. 50 international students. and 20 straight from high school.

the school fees for the last 3 years will be around 45k aussie dollars per year. with contact hours per week of up to 40hours. the road infront of me somehow just got pretty shitty ass dim. (who turned off the lights?) its all because its a new program and its some sort of a double degree course thats why they are making it so exclusive and expensive. gawddd.

i know i have always been preaching that if you have the will there will always be a way. at the end of the day it's how much you want it.

i want it a lot. i want it really badly. but how much do i need to sacrifice to get what i want? at the end of the day if i give in my 101% would i guarantee achieve what i set out to achieve?

i am not one who worries about the future. i still strongly believe in what i say. i have always been so confident that if i put in every ounce of my effort, i can achieve my dreams. but when i realise that the road in front of me just got tougher. and the uncertainties of my future just got multiplied tenfolds.. no seriously. where in the freaking world am i gonna dig out 135k aussie dollars for 3 years?!?! if its a duel of courage i have tons. but when its about money. this whole freaking shit just got way too complicated.

last night when i was lying on my bed trying to sleep. i cant help but start doubting for a split second. burying my face in my pillow asking for some help. some advice. some direction. from any source possible. what if i fail? what if i dont get it. what if i go back singapore empty handed. what if everything just goes to waste.. what if this whole thing is unachievable in the very first place?

how am i supposed to face my parents.. and my sister.. and everyone else.. who have such high hopes of me.

how am i supposed to face myself. for disappointing myself yet once again.

i know that all i can do now is just try my best and just hope for the best. but what if at the end of the day i fail? what happens next. where am i supposed to go.

i gave up everything back home to come here to chase my dream. i cant go back empty handed.. too much is at stake.

somehow all these years the load on shoulders just never seem to lessen. its just a different load. different responsibility. i have been shouldering all the load with great pride. but right now when it matters the most. when i am facing practically the biggest challenge of my effing life. ( even freaking brunei pales in comparison) what would happen if i screw up this time round?

the usual me would tell myself only time would tell! just try your best now. thats what i have been doing. i just had physics test today. i am quite confident of getting full marks unless i made a careless mistake. i forgot about my philosophy mock test today. but i got 50/50. i think it's because i have been revising consistently. i have been pretty much kicking some serious prc butt in school.

but how long can i keep up with this..

but what if all these are not enough..

i know i can do this! but what if i wouldnt..

i know this is a pretty confusing entry. it's just the negativity in me trying to surface while the usual me is trying to kick it back down.

i pasted this beside my table. to remind myself. every single day.