please shed me some light

i found out that for the new doctor of veterinary medicine program in melbourne. they will only be taking 120 students. 50 local students. 50 international students. and 20 straight from high school.

the school fees for the last 3 years will be around 45k aussie dollars per year. with contact hours per week of up to 40hours. the road infront of me somehow just got pretty shitty ass dim. (who turned off the lights?) its all because its a new program and its some sort of a double degree course thats why they are making it so exclusive and expensive. gawddd.

i know i have always been preaching that if you have the will there will always be a way. at the end of the day it's how much you want it.

i want it a lot. i want it really badly. but how much do i need to sacrifice to get what i want? at the end of the day if i give in my 101% would i guarantee achieve what i set out to achieve?

i am not one who worries about the future. i still strongly believe in what i say. i have always been so confident that if i put in every ounce of my effort, i can achieve my dreams. but when i realise that the road in front of me just got tougher. and the uncertainties of my future just got multiplied tenfolds.. no seriously. where in the freaking world am i gonna dig out 135k aussie dollars for 3 years?!?! if its a duel of courage i have tons. but when its about money. this whole freaking shit just got way too complicated.

last night when i was lying on my bed trying to sleep. i cant help but start doubting for a split second. burying my face in my pillow asking for some help. some advice. some direction. from any source possible. what if i fail? what if i dont get it. what if i go back singapore empty handed. what if everything just goes to waste.. what if this whole thing is unachievable in the very first place?

how am i supposed to face my parents.. and my sister.. and everyone else.. who have such high hopes of me.

how am i supposed to face myself. for disappointing myself yet once again.

i know that all i can do now is just try my best and just hope for the best. but what if at the end of the day i fail? what happens next. where am i supposed to go.

i gave up everything back home to come here to chase my dream. i cant go back empty handed.. too much is at stake.

somehow all these years the load on shoulders just never seem to lessen. its just a different load. different responsibility. i have been shouldering all the load with great pride. but right now when it matters the most. when i am facing practically the biggest challenge of my effing life. ( even freaking brunei pales in comparison) what would happen if i screw up this time round?

the usual me would tell myself only time would tell! just try your best now. thats what i have been doing. i just had physics test today. i am quite confident of getting full marks unless i made a careless mistake. i forgot about my philosophy mock test today. but i got 50/50. i think it's because i have been revising consistently. i have been pretty much kicking some serious prc butt in school.

but how long can i keep up with this..

but what if all these are not enough..

i know i can do this! but what if i wouldnt..

i know this is a pretty confusing entry. it's just the negativity in me trying to surface while the usual me is trying to kick it back down.

i pasted this beside my table. to remind myself. every single day.

first entry from melbourne(:

SSUP YO. 4th day in melbourne and everything is going fine i guess. hhaha. got my bank settled. got my phone and internet up. next monday im going to meet my student advisor to plan my modules. yepp they got that kind of service for international students. sweet.

well first day here was okay. arranged transport to fetch me frm the airport to bring me to my accommodation while i was back in singapore but that was all via email and i didn't know that melbourne has more than 1 airport until the day i flew. D: but phew. all ended well!

so i went into my room. put down my stuff and guess what i did. i went to school! university of melbourne. well i wanted to take a look and i was feeling pretty adventurous. ohh come on alone in a foriegn country? sounds like fun. hahah ohwell before long i got lost. lol. i was pretty much wandering around then i realised i was walking in circles soon enough ahahha. my first meal in melbourne was hotdog and banana milkshake which cost me 7.50 bucks. i dont think im gonna ever eat that again. in the end i saw something familiar and found my way out. pheww. ohcome on i can navigate even when im surrounded by trees.

after that my nice housemate brought me to the city! my place rocks. it's 10min from school and 15min from the city. so it's like i can walk to orchard if im back in singapore. awesomeeee. well first day in melbourne and i went to the city twice already because i bought quite a bit of stuff and it was pretty heavy so i went there a second time to get more stuff. walking to and fro needs 30min D:

my dinner for 2 consecutive nights is maggie D: talk about unhealthy! but now i have found the answer to my prayers. *drum rolls* SUSHI. yes sushi. and guess what. made by yours truly. LOL. yesterday was the goddam first time in my effing life i made sushi. it was freaking epic fail the first time. i was trying to make lunch. in the end i added too much water to the rice and it became porridge DD: so the seaweed was all soggy. in the end i just had porridge with cucumber and seaweed. hahah i only bought cucumber as ingredients because i just wanted to try it out i dont wanna buy too much later waste $$. by dinner time i because much better!

sushi is economical and best of all, HEALTHY. no wonder the japanese lives for so long. hahah. half a cup of rice is enough for me to make enough sushi for 2 meals. talk about cheap. i bought the rice/seaweed/cucumber/rolling-bamboo-to-make-the sushi-round for a total of 10 bucks. and so far 1 and a half cup of rice lasted me for 5 meals. (first half a cup only lasted one meal because it was super fail lol.)

next up im gonna try pasta! cooking your own meal is seriously cheaper. everything here is dam expensive! rawrr. when i go back i shall make sushi for you guys okay(: honestly im getting pretty good at it lol. bobian its all about survival here must learn how to suvive alone even if nobody teach you. okay lah my housemate gave me some advice on the sushi making. but im super super proud of myself :D

just went for a jog. haha no shit. must keep fit. everything here must think of long term solutions because i would be here for pretty long. so i decided i must start keeping fit sooner or later so why not start on a saturday since most shops are closed so i wouldnt be able to do much anyway. hahah. i didnt dare to jog far though. so i was pretty much jogging in circles. :X but it was a good workout nevertheless! 4th day go jogging liao leh! XP

things a pretty tough when you have to settle every tweeny little detail alone. everyone is so far far awayyyy. no one to count on but yourself :/ that can be pretty tiring you know. but im doing fine i guess. i cant wait for school to start though. im afraid that my drive would die down. theres so much shit here that i dont know how long i would last. everything here i need to count on myself. literally. i read through the university pamphlets there are so much freaking stuff to take note of! i am afraid that i would burn out, that i would be putting too much stuff on my plate. then again i must do enough stuff to make myself an outstanding student in order to get that freakinnnn scholarship! RAWRRR. so much is at stake. *bite my nails*

so many people that i cant disappoint. especially my parents. i am feeling so restless. i want to choose my modules now now now. omgg. im gonna pluck my hair out already. actually i tried to plan for my modules on thursday. but my vet science program is a new initiative by the school so i wanted to ask what modules should i take so that i can be eligible for the vet science program. freakinnn everyone is clueless since its new. zzz. WTH. in the end i asked for directions and walked to the vet school which is quite far away frm main campus. when i reached there they wouldnt let me in because i am not studying there! i said i wanted to speak to someone to advise me on what modules to take and they told me that i am only allowed if i have an appointment. so i asked how can i book an appointment, they asked me to provide someone's name. i was like how the hell would i know their name if im not studying there yet. zzz. in the end i walked all the way there for nothinggg zz. so lets see how things goes on monday. well i did some research online. i pretty much know what i need to do already.

RAWRRR. keep up the fighting spirit yo. HWAITING.

NO JOURNEY TOO TOUGH.