this year is different

this year is different.

and it is going to be even more radically different.

if that even makes any grammatical sense.

this year is going to end with a blast.

wait for it.

can you feel the heat?

i reached here earlier than i expected

i once decided that i have to reach a moment that 24 hours a day is not enough for me. thats when i know that most probably im making full use of my day.

i have quitted twitter and kpop. and all the 100 shows that i used to watch. and spend less than 30 min a day on fb. but i still dont have enough time.

how many hours of sleep a day is enough?

i knew a day when 24hrs a day is nt enough would come by. but i didn't know it will come so soon.

not enough time.

and the clock is ticking.

please shed me some light

i found out that for the new doctor of veterinary medicine program in melbourne. they will only be taking 120 students. 50 local students. 50 international students. and 20 straight from high school.

the school fees for the last 3 years will be around 45k aussie dollars per year. with contact hours per week of up to 40hours. the road infront of me somehow just got pretty shitty ass dim. (who turned off the lights?) its all because its a new program and its some sort of a double degree course thats why they are making it so exclusive and expensive. gawddd.

i know i have always been preaching that if you have the will there will always be a way. at the end of the day it's how much you want it.

i want it a lot. i want it really badly. but how much do i need to sacrifice to get what i want? at the end of the day if i give in my 101% would i guarantee achieve what i set out to achieve?

i am not one who worries about the future. i still strongly believe in what i say. i have always been so confident that if i put in every ounce of my effort, i can achieve my dreams. but when i realise that the road in front of me just got tougher. and the uncertainties of my future just got multiplied tenfolds.. no seriously. where in the freaking world am i gonna dig out 135k aussie dollars for 3 years?!?! if its a duel of courage i have tons. but when its about money. this whole freaking shit just got way too complicated.

last night when i was lying on my bed trying to sleep. i cant help but start doubting for a split second. burying my face in my pillow asking for some help. some advice. some direction. from any source possible. what if i fail? what if i dont get it. what if i go back singapore empty handed. what if everything just goes to waste.. what if this whole thing is unachievable in the very first place?

how am i supposed to face my parents.. and my sister.. and everyone else.. who have such high hopes of me.

how am i supposed to face myself. for disappointing myself yet once again.

i know that all i can do now is just try my best and just hope for the best. but what if at the end of the day i fail? what happens next. where am i supposed to go.

i gave up everything back home to come here to chase my dream. i cant go back empty handed.. too much is at stake.

somehow all these years the load on shoulders just never seem to lessen. its just a different load. different responsibility. i have been shouldering all the load with great pride. but right now when it matters the most. when i am facing practically the biggest challenge of my effing life. ( even freaking brunei pales in comparison) what would happen if i screw up this time round?

the usual me would tell myself only time would tell! just try your best now. thats what i have been doing. i just had physics test today. i am quite confident of getting full marks unless i made a careless mistake. i forgot about my philosophy mock test today. but i got 50/50. i think it's because i have been revising consistently. i have been pretty much kicking some serious prc butt in school.

but how long can i keep up with this..

but what if all these are not enough..

i know i can do this! but what if i wouldnt..

i know this is a pretty confusing entry. it's just the negativity in me trying to surface while the usual me is trying to kick it back down.

i pasted this beside my table. to remind myself. every single day.

new challenge

my next entry will be from down under.

a whole new challenge awaits. this is the moment i have been waiting all my life for.


WATCH OUT. HERE I COME.