why so serious?

something happened today that made me stop what i was doing and take a step back and think about my current self. it suddenly occurred to me how much i have changed.

there are so many things that i think that i should do.

so many things that i think i can do.

so many things that i want to do.

so many things that i think i must do.

so many goals.

i have carried a new responsibility on my back. no one gave me this responsibility but it is only right that i carry it. i must study hard. i must do well in school. being the eldest in the family, i must take care of my family. i feel that everything depends on me.

it has almost gone to the point of 'all work, and no play.' okay maybe not that extreme. but i can certainly feel that a part of me is missing. i take everything so seriously now. always thinking hard to derive a 'plan' or 'my approach' to anything.

the part of me that used to just 'sit back and enjoy life' is certainly long gone. my favorite phase used to be 船到桥头自然直. now i believe that everything is within my control and grasp. it all depends on how much effort i am willing to put in. so much is at stake here that i cannot afford to screw up. i will certainly not sit back and watch how life unfolds. there is no margin for error. i want to take control of it.

my priorities now are certainly different. i dont know why. i dont play basketball now. nor do i frequent nba.com frantically as i used to. but i dont miss it much at all. and basketball used to be my life. this is one example that i can think of how i have changed.

i used to love making friends, having fun and all. now i am just busy everyday working out how i can achieve what i want and what i must. to a certain extent, it makes it tough for me to communicate/connect with people. my perspective of life is largely different. the things i talk about dont appeal to many. all the heavy duty, dramatic topics about life and responsibilities and the things we should do or should not do. now i put so much thought into everything. i read so much into things. i weigh the pros and cons in every decision i have to make. i think long term in every single possible aspect. the happy-go-lucky, fun-loving me has changed to someone who thinks that he is responsible for everything.

hell. i am turning into an adult.

and today i realised that maybe i am taking everything way to seriously. i think i miss the freedom of just sitting back and watch how life unfolds before my eyes like i used to.

but i cant.

then again.

i dont know. rawr.