why so serious?

something happened today that made me stop what i was doing and take a step back and think about my current self. it suddenly occurred to me how much i have changed.

there are so many things that i think that i should do.

so many things that i think i can do.

so many things that i want to do.

so many things that i think i must do.

so many goals.

i have carried a new responsibility on my back. no one gave me this responsibility but it is only right that i carry it. i must study hard. i must do well in school. being the eldest in the family, i must take care of my family. i feel that everything depends on me.

it has almost gone to the point of 'all work, and no play.' okay maybe not that extreme. but i can certainly feel that a part of me is missing. i take everything so seriously now. always thinking hard to derive a 'plan' or 'my approach' to anything.

the part of me that used to just 'sit back and enjoy life' is certainly long gone. my favorite phase used to be 船到桥头自然直. now i believe that everything is within my control and grasp. it all depends on how much effort i am willing to put in. so much is at stake here that i cannot afford to screw up. i will certainly not sit back and watch how life unfolds. there is no margin for error. i want to take control of it.

my priorities now are certainly different. i dont know why. i dont play basketball now. nor do i frequent nba.com frantically as i used to. but i dont miss it much at all. and basketball used to be my life. this is one example that i can think of how i have changed.

i used to love making friends, having fun and all. now i am just busy everyday working out how i can achieve what i want and what i must. to a certain extent, it makes it tough for me to communicate/connect with people. my perspective of life is largely different. the things i talk about dont appeal to many. all the heavy duty, dramatic topics about life and responsibilities and the things we should do or should not do. now i put so much thought into everything. i read so much into things. i weigh the pros and cons in every decision i have to make. i think long term in every single possible aspect. the happy-go-lucky, fun-loving me has changed to someone who thinks that he is responsible for everything.

hell. i am turning into an adult.

and today i realised that maybe i am taking everything way to seriously. i think i miss the freedom of just sitting back and watch how life unfolds before my eyes like i used to.

but i cant.

then again.

i dont know. rawr.

flying off tml

i am flying off tomorrow to aussieland. at first i was excited for the army trip. okay i still am. but i just realised that i am leaving a lot behind. it is not that i am not coming back. however i hope things will go well during my absence.

a lot would be happening while i am away. a lot of gatherings. and i have not been exactly attended them while i am in sg. but a few rare gatherings are coming up and i really dont want to miss them! not to mention i really really want to go night safari and check out their uber cool halloween theme!! nooooooo.

and yes i am spending my birthday over there in some desert niceeeeee. honestly this doesnt bother me one bit :P

i hope all goes well back in camp. seriously. it was one hectic and dramatic night last night. its regretful that i would be away at such a critical moment. but i am sure my peeps will live up to the challenge. KUANG HAO this is the first time and most probably the last time i blog your name but I LEAVE THE HEAVY RESPONSIBILITY OF THE COMPANY IN YOUR HANDS LE. 我不在就要靠你了! stay strong for the people following you.

it is also regretful that i would not be there for the last few days of service for some of my best colleagues. all the best man. we have went through a lot together. (the same old cliche line of 'the sweat blood and tears shared' applies once again.)  you guys taught and guide me when i first came in. i will remember all those brief moments that we made a difference. too bad i can walk with you guys till your last day and we didnt have a proper farewell. we would surely meet less often after this but this is not the end. we will meet again before you know it! plannings for a december gathering party are in the works!

and my application for Melbourne University would be out soon. no idea if over at aussie would i have internet access. guess i would only know if my application went through when i come back.

did you ever had the feeling that you are leaving a lot of things behind? so many things that you think you should be doing or be involved but you just have to leave them behind and go? never thought i would grow so emotionally attached and felt responsible for so many things. ( no wait come to think of it, it was the same when i was vice president in media resource crew back in acjc huh. ) funny how initially i was so reluctant in assuming this role but now i feel so uneasy leaving for even a brief moment and letting someone take my place. as much i dont want to admit, it has become a role and responsibility that i take pride in. this is a family i learnt to love.

i would not be there to face the challenges to come with them. as much as i worry, i also know that it would all be alright eventually. because we are one N I N J A.

P.S. i will be back on 11 november to hold the fort once again.